Smile Like You Mean It

As part of my delightful job, I have to smile. I have to smile a lot. This is something I have got very good at. Naturally I am an extremely perky person - smile all the time, always laughing heartily at everything and always have a song to sing. Many a customer has come to me, especially on early shifts, and asked me how it is possible to be so happy all the time. I answer them honestly: "This? Oh, I'm always like this! I don't think I know how not to smile!" My overall attitude towards life has made me forget something that contributed to the person I am today. The catty, doesn't-take-shit-from-anyone attitude that you guys know and love (pfft). People insult me and I bat it off. I'm always quick to defend other people. I don't particularly care what people think of me - if they want to think badly of them, let them. Oh, thankfully how much I changed. I was bullied. Badly. I was a chubby kid. A lot. Dorky and awkward; I always hung out with the boys more than the girls. I was 'fatty' or 'chubs'. I would run crying to my mother and each time she would tell me to ignore their taunts. Up until the age of 9 I tried, but each time they pointed out how big I was I would cry some more. It was pathetic. I would try and say something back, but it made them laugh harder, which made my ears burn more. Unfortunately, when I was 9, I started puberty and got boobs and semi-hips. That was just more fodder for their insult cannon. I became not only 'fatty', but 'freak'. My weight had also stayed the same, which sucked, let's face it. I was chubby and growing up way faster than everyone else. It didn't help that I moved around a lot when I was younger, and ended up in 3 different primary schools. The second school, I remember clearly. My parents had just divorced and so we ended up moving to a very rough area, an area that I now know to be an example used in the broken window theory of crime. The area bred criminals and delinquents and we came under fire. At this point, I was still as dorky and awkward as ever, picked on again because of my weight and boobs, but now also because I was a lot smarter than the other kids. I once wrote a 20 page story set in Victorian England that my teacher loved. One of the boys in my class got hold of it and set it on fire on the field behind my house. My younger brother had also been at school for a few years at this point and we both came under the fire, quite literally, from one boy. He would follow us home from school, taunting us. Knock on our door and run away. The police got involved when he threatened us with his brother's BB gun. Our German Shepherd dog bit him when he got in to our house one day. He had great pleasure taunting me with the fact that we'd had to have the dog put to sleep because of it. We moved away, and even in my last school I was singled out for being chubby and smart. I couldn't wait to get to high school! I was set to go to an all girls grammar school. I could finally get away from the boys! The girls never really taunted me. Ha. High school was hell. At first, it was fun! No one singled me out. One day I said something wrong to a girl and it was game over. She would wait inside my classroom and when she saw me coming, she would lock the door. It was embarrassing, and something I blocked out until very recently. No one in my class would come and unlock the door, no matter how hard I would bang on it and shout. They knew I was out there, but no one would help me. Then my friends started saying that they didn't want to be my friends any more - they were scared of the other girl and didn't want her to do things to them as well. I was totally alone. She's throw things at my head during lessons and the teachers wouldn't believe me. She went to them saying that I was bullying her, and they believed her because I was so much bigger than her. All of my friends started hanging out with her. I would drift around alone during lunch, often spending my entire time in the library trying to escape. Girls I hadn't even spoken to much in my class started to ignore me whenever I tried. There were a few that I would hang out with, but eventually they would tire of me too and ignore me. If I got invited to town or to the cinema I would get so excited - no one ever wanted to hang around with me! It was cruel though - they would tell me the wrong times for the films, and I would arrive as they were leaving. They'd say they weren't coming in to town after I'd already got there. If I walked past a group of them, they would laugh and snigger. I was always looking over my shoulder. It spread to my bus journeys and walks to school - it had spread to the boys that went to the boys grammar school, and soon I was having gum put in my hair, my bag being stolen and hidden and sometimes not letting me get on to the bus. One time, I accidentally walked in to one of the girls they knew at a rival school as I was walking to the bus and they followed me to the crowded bus station. There, in front of about 100 or so adults and various members of the public, I remember several bus drivers and even a police officer, one girl ripped in to me. I held my ground, not saying anything, just letting her finish, but the entire time her friends were behind me, spitting in my hair and shoving me. It was only once I'd been shoved to the grown and my mum came running over that they stopped. I've never forgotten that an entire bus station of people stood and witnessed me be completely humiliated for doing nothing. I had to walk around for 4 hours, covered in phlegm and mucus all over my hair and clothes, while they followed me and taunted me. Even my mother being there didn't stop them. My mother tried so hard to help, but I kept most of it hidden from her. I was ashamed that even after all this time and my experiences during primary school, I still didn't fit in. I took up drama lessons and acting. I wanted to become the characters. I could escape in the plays and become someone I wanted to be. I hated who I actually was - a dumpy, lonely, odd girl without a friend in the world. I was terrifically shy: after the incident at the bus station I didn't even talk to adults any more. I was frightened of everyone. I knew that they would find something to laugh about. I'd screw up and annoy them too. I wouldn't speak up in class if I knew the answer and began hiding in empty classrooms as the bullying became worse and worse. I was terrified of school. I would wake up and immediately vomit at the thought of going there. I began to binge on junk food in an attempt to make myself feel better. Of course, I put on more weight and that in turn caused even more taunts on the bus. I couldn't sleep and I had constant headaches. My grades began to suffer and I started running away at lunch times, always returning for the lessons. I would fake illness to attempt to be kept off school and started running in front of cars. I stopped caring. I stopped smiling. I frightened my mother: she said she couldn't remember a time when I was happy or smiling. It was only when a teacher asked me about the scratches that had started to appear on my arms and on my legs during P.E. that something was done about it. I found out what it was that had upset the girl, and with counselling from our teachers, we slowly began to mend our friendship. I stopped being locked out of the classroom. I had the door opened for me. People started talking to me again. People cared what I had to say. People would laugh at me, but this time it would be because of a joke or an impression I had done. I came out of my shell - I made friends! Friends who loved me for being a little bit different. Friends who were as silly as me. Friends who would make plans with me and we would go together. I started sleeping over at houses. I started laughing again. I started smiling again. From then on, I became this totally new person. I was loud and proud! My laugh became big and booming - I would cackle for hours on end, others stopping their laughter at the original joke and instead laughing at how long I could laugh. I smiled all the time and started loving myself. Suddenly, I didn't care what people thought about me - people could stare at me and giggle or sneer all they wanted, I didn't care. I started to fight back. I became quite witty and always had a comeback for everything. My grades began to pick up again and I stopped doing the stupid or dangerous things I had started to take up. Ever since then, I have relished not fitting in - yeah, I'm different and a little bit weird, but so what? I'm me, and I'm happy. The woman that you know today is a result of years of feeling alone and isolated, depressed and different and being ripped to shreds by others. In a sense I'm glad that it all happened to me. I doubt that I would be as loud and happy as I am today had I not first been extremely quiet and sad. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that time is the best healer. Yeah, things are pretty shit at the moment, but things can only get better! The bad times and things that screw us over in the past are our lessons. Learn from the past. Grow as a person, not just physically, but mentally. It is only once you get older that you realise that it isn't your fault that you're different. Relish the differences that set you apart from the others - you are unique! Embrace it! Everyone is different and everyone has their insecurities, so don't let them get in the way of you being YOU! Being at the bottom brings the drive to rise to the top! And forgive - there is nothing to be gained from holding grudges (coming from a woman who holds the biggest grudge in the world against her own father, but leave it). What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I know these are all cliches, but they're kinda true. No matter how alone you feel, there will always be someone there for you. Learn from the past and move on - the past readies us for what tomorrow brings. So, go out there and kick tomorrows ass!