Or right. Whatever you do, just get off the damn stage. Quickly. Unfortunately, I had one of those moments when I didn't exit from the stage quick enough and found myself covered in old eggs and rotten tomatoes thrown by a hysterically laughing audience at my feet.
A few days ago I had a conversation with my mother about our worst fear in the world, a fear we both share. No, it not technically a phobia of sorts, though I guess if it had to have one of those ridiculously long names just to fit in with all the other phobias and so they don't take the piss out of it, then it would have to be Lackofmoneytopayforhugeamountofpetrolaphobia. In English (or, with the spaces put back in) a fear of not being able to pay for your petrol after filling up. Sweet Jesus, just the thought of it made us wince. We couldn't work out what you would do - it's not like you could go and get some money on your own, as surely you would bugger off never to return. So what? Get someone to come and bring you money? Hope some passing millionaire feels pity for your pathetic situation? Fortunately for us, I learned today exactly what happens. Holy Hell.
Yup. Picture the scene: I've had a looooooong hard day at work, done extra hours and am heading home. Unfortunately, the amount of petrol left in my petrol tank means that, if I don't fill up before setting off for home I'll find myself half way there, at the side of the road looking like a total knob, weeping in to my work shirt and hitting my head on the horn repeatedly. Hard. Sooooo... Petrol time!! Easing the petrol pump from its holder and gently sliding it in to the hole leading to my petrol tank I apply slight pressure to the handle to get the juices flowing (Yes, I cannot even put petrol in my car without making it sexual.) £35 in later and I head for the tills, a massive queue forming behind me and myself resisting all urges to call out about being in a Michael Mcintyre sketch. Smugly, being in the queue before it got too big, I thrust my card in to the machine with gusto and swiftly tap in my PIN and flash a quick grin to the people behind me. "I'm sorry, young lady, but your card has been declined." "Oh. OK then... Could we try it again? I've been having some trouble with my card lately" (Woe is me for risking it.) Gingerly I put my card back in, heart thudding so loud I could hear it over the general groans and tuttings coming from behind me. Nope, card declined again. I resisted the urge to throw my wallet at the cashier's head and turn and plough through the queue behind me in an attempt to escape but naturally, I had instantly become trapped there.
Instead, I found myself on the phone to my mother, asking for her card details to 'break the usual rules and pay over the phone' and hearing her scream of abject terror when I told her she had to spend £35 on petrol that wasn't even in her own car. Finally, I was free. I ended the phone call to my mum with "I'm racing home to sob in to your arms, now." turned to the cashier and lightly said "Well, that was my worst nightmare. At least now I've experienced it once I won't have to again. Like chicken pox. Toodles!" and all but ran from the till, knocking over shelving units with gay abandon as I went (ok, I made that bit up). So what happens when you can't pay for petrol? You all but die of embarassment and have to have money sent to you somehow. They should have a pen of shame in the corner for you to stand in while you wait, where people can freely mock you and show you how smug they are that they have money and aren't a penniless git.
On a brighter note, I got home to find a wack wack sitting in the garden. Yes, I am the proud owner of a frigging DUCK!!!!!!!!!!! XD My mum had gone out and got her for me to cheer me up. My mum is awesome.
Showing posts with label embarrassment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label embarrassment. Show all posts
Tuesday, 21 June 2011
Friday, 10 June 2011
Talk to The Boobs, As Apparently the Face Isn't Listening
There is no real reason why women have bosoms, well, apart from the whole 'need to feed your infant' thing, but other than that they have no real purpose. Decoration, of course, is a consideration and I'm sure millions of men everywhere will have to admit that they believe thatv they are there merely for decoration. Their 'dribble' stains cannot speak otherwise.
Ok, so let me rephrase slightly - there is no real reason why women have LARGE bosoms. Women that do have to cope with so much and they really don't get anything in return for their troubles. I myself, am one of those women, and by writing a blog about breasts I get the feeling I may write myself in to peoples' thoughts as 'one of those women that has sex with other women.' But with that aside, what is wrong with large boobs?
A lot, I think you'll find is the answer.
1. They get in the way.
Yes, they do A LOT. I haven't seen my feet for about 9 years now, and my feet are a rather large size 9. That is what I am up against. I'm sure there are many women out there who, like me, long to see what has become of their feet.
2. They knock things over.
I have lost count of the number of times I've sent objects/shelving/people flying thanks to turning round too quickly and throwing them a glancing blow with my numga numgas. Small children and short adults alike bounce off in all directions. I once knocked an entire rack of nail varnish off a shelf and it shattered everywhere. What knocked them off? Well, have a guess, but as Mazi always reminds me, it was one of the most amusing and emabarassing moments of MY life.
3. They weigh a tonne.
I am approx. 5"7 tall but I have a slight hunch. Slight, nay, enormous. If I were able to stand up straight I believe I may reach heights of about 6"3. The way I look at the moment I feel like I should be ringing bells in ye olde French cathedral and rubbing shoulders with gyppos and magic statues. And a goat.
4. They are impracticle.
Forget about running. Just forget it. I have actually given myself a black eye when jumping once. Just ugh.
5. They're embarassing.
In the fact that I have to wear a size 18-20 on top, even though I am a mere size 10. Also, in the fact that my work uniform consists of a shirt that buttons up at the front and a shirt that is too small. So, imagine my horror when I was busily serving a man and his family consisting of young and old children alike and I eventually look down for some reason and discover that my shirt has been wide open thanks to over-thrusting of bosoms and my manky bra is on display. I actually cried a bit.
6. They attract unwanted attention. A lot.
There I was, 'happily' mopping the lobby at work as the last bloke walked out of the store. He yelled a farewell as he left. Well, a farewell of sorts. What did he yell at me as he left? "Bye, Tits!!!" How charming. I also believe that it has been almost 10 years since a man has looked me in the eye while having a conversation with me.
7. They're expensive.
Bras to support breasts of such gargantum proportions cannot be found in normal shops (Even though the AVERAGE bra size in the UK is now a 36D) most shops only stock up to 38DD. So step up, specialist shops and step forward hideous huge price tag. My bras cost £40 each. Case = rested.
8. They're painful.
Back pain, chest pain and chronic snoring thanks to the weight of the damn things.
9. They'll change.
Eventually, large breasts will, um, sag, to put it lightly. Shocking images of spaniel ears or a couple of snooker balls in socks come to mind. Followed by the viewer of said images vomiting politely in a corner. Ahhh... I don't know which is the more attractive image - the old boobs or the polite vomiting.
I know I'm not the only one who suffers with things like this, I'm sure. This is why I find women who pay for bigger breasts slightly laughable. Yes, let's pay for pain and scorn and embarassment. Fools.
And for one, why are men so bloody interested in them? All they are are literally just lumps of fat. With nipples attached for added sensation ;) All my complaints aside, I do love my boobs rather a lot. ^^
Ok, so let me rephrase slightly - there is no real reason why women have LARGE bosoms. Women that do have to cope with so much and they really don't get anything in return for their troubles. I myself, am one of those women, and by writing a blog about breasts I get the feeling I may write myself in to peoples' thoughts as 'one of those women that has sex with other women.' But with that aside, what is wrong with large boobs?
A lot, I think you'll find is the answer.
1. They get in the way.
Yes, they do A LOT. I haven't seen my feet for about 9 years now, and my feet are a rather large size 9. That is what I am up against. I'm sure there are many women out there who, like me, long to see what has become of their feet.
2. They knock things over.
I have lost count of the number of times I've sent objects/shelving/people flying thanks to turning round too quickly and throwing them a glancing blow with my numga numgas. Small children and short adults alike bounce off in all directions. I once knocked an entire rack of nail varnish off a shelf and it shattered everywhere. What knocked them off? Well, have a guess, but as Mazi always reminds me, it was one of the most amusing and emabarassing moments of MY life.
3. They weigh a tonne.
I am approx. 5"7 tall but I have a slight hunch. Slight, nay, enormous. If I were able to stand up straight I believe I may reach heights of about 6"3. The way I look at the moment I feel like I should be ringing bells in ye olde French cathedral and rubbing shoulders with gyppos and magic statues. And a goat.
4. They are impracticle.
Forget about running. Just forget it. I have actually given myself a black eye when jumping once. Just ugh.
5. They're embarassing.
In the fact that I have to wear a size 18-20 on top, even though I am a mere size 10. Also, in the fact that my work uniform consists of a shirt that buttons up at the front and a shirt that is too small. So, imagine my horror when I was busily serving a man and his family consisting of young and old children alike and I eventually look down for some reason and discover that my shirt has been wide open thanks to over-thrusting of bosoms and my manky bra is on display. I actually cried a bit.
6. They attract unwanted attention. A lot.
There I was, 'happily' mopping the lobby at work as the last bloke walked out of the store. He yelled a farewell as he left. Well, a farewell of sorts. What did he yell at me as he left? "Bye, Tits!!!" How charming. I also believe that it has been almost 10 years since a man has looked me in the eye while having a conversation with me.
7. They're expensive.
Bras to support breasts of such gargantum proportions cannot be found in normal shops (Even though the AVERAGE bra size in the UK is now a 36D) most shops only stock up to 38DD. So step up, specialist shops and step forward hideous huge price tag. My bras cost £40 each. Case = rested.
8. They're painful.
Back pain, chest pain and chronic snoring thanks to the weight of the damn things.
9. They'll change.
Eventually, large breasts will, um, sag, to put it lightly. Shocking images of spaniel ears or a couple of snooker balls in socks come to mind. Followed by the viewer of said images vomiting politely in a corner. Ahhh... I don't know which is the more attractive image - the old boobs or the polite vomiting.
I know I'm not the only one who suffers with things like this, I'm sure. This is why I find women who pay for bigger breasts slightly laughable. Yes, let's pay for pain and scorn and embarassment. Fools.
And for one, why are men so bloody interested in them? All they are are literally just lumps of fat. With nipples attached for added sensation ;) All my complaints aside, I do love my boobs rather a lot. ^^
Monday, 6 June 2011
Mental Retardation - We Are Not Amused
I get the feeling that writing the following statement will cause people to form an angry mob and dig spike-lined pits in my path but: I HATED the original The Hangover film. Physically hated it with every ounce of my soul, smexy Bradley Cooper aside of course, but loathed it none-the-less. It did not make me laugh at all, and trust me - I know funny. So naturally I was not exactly jumping with joy at the thought of going to see the sequal - more like I was dragged kicking and screaming, with only the thought of sucking on a (leave it) Fanta Frozen to entice me a little.
I was pleasantly surprised and enjoyed the movie, I even found myself doing my usual massive bark/hearty laugh. But I found myself listening to the audience more than I would usually, and found that I was laughing almost alone at more subtle moments of humour, and remaining silent while the rest of the audience was reaching a point where they might have had to consider changing their knickers. The reason for their hearty laughter and my stoney silence? Zach Galifianakis, yet another actor who is only capable of playing slight variations of the same character over and over again. In his case, a retard.
For one thing, his character is known to have ADHD. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Here is a brief discription of the condition I have copied from the NHS website:
Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a group of behavioural symptoms that include inattentiveness, hyperactivity and impulsiveness. Attention deficit disorder (ADD) is a type of ADHD.
Common symptoms of ADHD include:
•a short attention span
•restlessness
•being easily distracted
•constant fidgeting
Many people with ADHD also have additional problems, such as sleep disorders or learning difficulties. However, ADHD has no effect on intelligence.
See that last sentence? 'HAS NO EFFECT ON INTELLIGENCE!!!!!!' So why, pray tell, does Zach's character Alan act like such a dumb fuck all the time?!?!? The way he has portrayed the character shows no implications of learning disibilities. So why does he act like said dumb fuck? Because apparantly, that is what people find funny. WHY!?!?! It really isn't! It's infantile and stupid - hence, so is the audience.
It's insulting to an audience - it is assuming that they are also all dumb fucks that need a joke rammed down their throats in order for them to be able to understand it. They aren't allowed to figure the joke out on their own. Every apparant funny moment is so obvious it's like it's accompanied by a fanfare and a massive neon sign screaming:
"LAUGH AT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I feel sorry for the bloke - he has now awkwardly shoe-horned himself in to a type of character he will play for the rest of his acting career. A retard. My proof of this? Due Date. Same character, different name. Ugh.
I was pleasantly surprised and enjoyed the movie, I even found myself doing my usual massive bark/hearty laugh. But I found myself listening to the audience more than I would usually, and found that I was laughing almost alone at more subtle moments of humour, and remaining silent while the rest of the audience was reaching a point where they might have had to consider changing their knickers. The reason for their hearty laughter and my stoney silence? Zach Galifianakis, yet another actor who is only capable of playing slight variations of the same character over and over again. In his case, a retard.
For one thing, his character is known to have ADHD. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Here is a brief discription of the condition I have copied from the NHS website:
Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a group of behavioural symptoms that include inattentiveness, hyperactivity and impulsiveness. Attention deficit disorder (ADD) is a type of ADHD.
Common symptoms of ADHD include:
•a short attention span
•restlessness
•being easily distracted
•constant fidgeting
Many people with ADHD also have additional problems, such as sleep disorders or learning difficulties. However, ADHD has no effect on intelligence.
See that last sentence? 'HAS NO EFFECT ON INTELLIGENCE!!!!!!' So why, pray tell, does Zach's character Alan act like such a dumb fuck all the time?!?!? The way he has portrayed the character shows no implications of learning disibilities. So why does he act like said dumb fuck? Because apparantly, that is what people find funny. WHY!?!?! It really isn't! It's infantile and stupid - hence, so is the audience.
It's insulting to an audience - it is assuming that they are also all dumb fucks that need a joke rammed down their throats in order for them to be able to understand it. They aren't allowed to figure the joke out on their own. Every apparant funny moment is so obvious it's like it's accompanied by a fanfare and a massive neon sign screaming:
"LAUGH AT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I feel sorry for the bloke - he has now awkwardly shoe-horned himself in to a type of character he will play for the rest of his acting career. A retard. My proof of this? Due Date. Same character, different name. Ugh.
Thursday, 2 June 2011
If It Wasn't For You Meddling Kids...
*Shakes fist at Great Dane and stupid hippy children wearing exceedingly bright items of clothing*
It was about 3 years ago, when I was going through my ultimate 'THERE IS LIFE AFTER DEATH' phase when I found myself in the audience of one of Derek Acorah's live shows. For those of you that found themselves living under rocks or in damp cellars about 3 years ago, Derek Acorah called himself a 'spiritualist medium'. Loosely translated, he claimed to have the gifts that enabled him to hear, feel (creepy), smell (ew) and see the spirits of dead people and was able to communicate with them. He has since been proved to be a fraud, but that isn't the point here.
My point here is the suggestibility of a human mind. Back to the show (I need to paint a picture here, settle down kids). For those of you who aren't stupid enough to have paid to go to one of these things, basically, a medium stands on a stage in a room full of people and waits. Then, if they are feeling generous (and just happen to be following around their loved ones everywhere they go) the spirits of the audience's dead friends and relatives give the mediums CLUES as to who they are. These clues are then relayed to the audience, who speak up if it's their relative, and they have a little chat. Of sorts.
I roared with laughter the entire evening due to the stupidity of the whole set up. It's clear to see that the mediums are quite literally stabbing in the dark and relying on some poor old bat sitting in the audience to cry "OMFG that's my dear GEOFF!!" or else they would find themselves standing in silence, performing to crickets and tumbleweeds. Quite literally, some of the clues given were "I have a person here... Of the male sex... Whose name starts with a letter of the alphabet" and almost immediately you could see men and women alike begin to mutter amoungst themselves and actually CONSULT NOTES that they'd brought about their loved ones (yeah, you loved them soooooooooo much, didn't you??? So much so that you knew sod all about them!!!!!). The following conversations that these poor saps then had with their 'loved ones' were so vague and could be applied to anyone - "You're having money issues." was a popular one as well as "I'm happy and at peace."
Even though I was laughing hysterically the entire time, I felt so sorry for these people who genuinely believed that they were talking to their loved ones. They obviously missed them so much that they were willing to try anything to be able to talk to them and could have taken even the slightest hint from the medium and applied it to their relative. It's sad. It's very sad.
On that note, my mother and I are going to a psychic evening tomorrow night. Tee hee hee.
It was about 3 years ago, when I was going through my ultimate 'THERE IS LIFE AFTER DEATH' phase when I found myself in the audience of one of Derek Acorah's live shows. For those of you that found themselves living under rocks or in damp cellars about 3 years ago, Derek Acorah called himself a 'spiritualist medium'. Loosely translated, he claimed to have the gifts that enabled him to hear, feel (creepy), smell (ew) and see the spirits of dead people and was able to communicate with them. He has since been proved to be a fraud, but that isn't the point here.
My point here is the suggestibility of a human mind. Back to the show (I need to paint a picture here, settle down kids). For those of you who aren't stupid enough to have paid to go to one of these things, basically, a medium stands on a stage in a room full of people and waits. Then, if they are feeling generous (and just happen to be following around their loved ones everywhere they go) the spirits of the audience's dead friends and relatives give the mediums CLUES as to who they are. These clues are then relayed to the audience, who speak up if it's their relative, and they have a little chat. Of sorts.
I roared with laughter the entire evening due to the stupidity of the whole set up. It's clear to see that the mediums are quite literally stabbing in the dark and relying on some poor old bat sitting in the audience to cry "OMFG that's my dear GEOFF!!" or else they would find themselves standing in silence, performing to crickets and tumbleweeds. Quite literally, some of the clues given were "I have a person here... Of the male sex... Whose name starts with a letter of the alphabet" and almost immediately you could see men and women alike begin to mutter amoungst themselves and actually CONSULT NOTES that they'd brought about their loved ones (yeah, you loved them soooooooooo much, didn't you??? So much so that you knew sod all about them!!!!!). The following conversations that these poor saps then had with their 'loved ones' were so vague and could be applied to anyone - "You're having money issues." was a popular one as well as "I'm happy and at peace."
Even though I was laughing hysterically the entire time, I felt so sorry for these people who genuinely believed that they were talking to their loved ones. They obviously missed them so much that they were willing to try anything to be able to talk to them and could have taken even the slightest hint from the medium and applied it to their relative. It's sad. It's very sad.
On that note, my mother and I are going to a psychic evening tomorrow night. Tee hee hee.
Sunday, 15 May 2011
Sex. That Is On Fire.
Simon Neil is the definition of this. You know, the lead singer of Biffy Clyro. He is married, so if anyone out there is the spitting image of him give me a ring. I will sex you up.
In other news, vodka is not my friend - after copious amounts of it I apparently ate fish food. I don't remember this. I woke up in bed, completely naked and with one shoe on the next morning. So kudos for Amz and Dakin for physically carrying me back home. Poor gits.
Insidious is a shit scary film, although I have now seen it 3 times and counting. Have now taken to sharpening my claws to Tiptoe Thru The Tulips by Tiny Tim and singing it endlessly, which is creepy on its own. Go and search for him. He is a creepy creepy man.
I am now well and truly situated at home in my usual position as the household's Lazy Bitch and have shit all hours at work. Following a complaint from me, I now have some of Adam's new bint's shifts, so I call that a small victory. I am now once again on speaking terms with Adam, following a tag team attack at 2 in the morning for 2 HOURS on wednesday while I was trying to frantically attack some assignments due the next day. Ever been insulted and called every name under the sun for 2 hours by your ex? For lots of people out there the answer is probably 'yes.' I bet the reason for your bile-filled attacks was hurt at the break up, or anger at the break up. My apparent wrong-doing? It is apparently Natasha's (the new bint) business regarding how many people I slept with BEFORE getting with Adam, as well as afterwards. WTF?!? He apologised to me today, but she has remained stoney faced. That's fine. I shall do my best to make her feel as uncomfortable at work as is humanly possible :) :) :)
Ever had to rip a broody chicken off of her nest? I have. Bloody hell, they peck for years! The silly bitch had been sitting on broken eggs anyway, and she was so angry about it! Believe me, I can tell. And Ponyo followed in her mother's footsteps and was a shit mother, so once again I have a new chick friend to raise. I called her Kiki, but Christian has decided to call her Winston. ¬_¬
Aaaaaaaaaaaaand I had my belly button pierced (finally) and it is now infected. Bugger. Er, that's about it. So yes. I is back methinks, hopefully for good. And hopefully I shall have something interesting to write about. XD
In other news, vodka is not my friend - after copious amounts of it I apparently ate fish food. I don't remember this. I woke up in bed, completely naked and with one shoe on the next morning. So kudos for Amz and Dakin for physically carrying me back home. Poor gits.
Insidious is a shit scary film, although I have now seen it 3 times and counting. Have now taken to sharpening my claws to Tiptoe Thru The Tulips by Tiny Tim and singing it endlessly, which is creepy on its own. Go and search for him. He is a creepy creepy man.
I am now well and truly situated at home in my usual position as the household's Lazy Bitch and have shit all hours at work. Following a complaint from me, I now have some of Adam's new bint's shifts, so I call that a small victory. I am now once again on speaking terms with Adam, following a tag team attack at 2 in the morning for 2 HOURS on wednesday while I was trying to frantically attack some assignments due the next day. Ever been insulted and called every name under the sun for 2 hours by your ex? For lots of people out there the answer is probably 'yes.' I bet the reason for your bile-filled attacks was hurt at the break up, or anger at the break up. My apparent wrong-doing? It is apparently Natasha's (the new bint) business regarding how many people I slept with BEFORE getting with Adam, as well as afterwards. WTF?!? He apologised to me today, but she has remained stoney faced. That's fine. I shall do my best to make her feel as uncomfortable at work as is humanly possible :) :) :)
Ever had to rip a broody chicken off of her nest? I have. Bloody hell, they peck for years! The silly bitch had been sitting on broken eggs anyway, and she was so angry about it! Believe me, I can tell. And Ponyo followed in her mother's footsteps and was a shit mother, so once again I have a new chick friend to raise. I called her Kiki, but Christian has decided to call her Winston. ¬_¬
Aaaaaaaaaaaaand I had my belly button pierced (finally) and it is now infected. Bugger. Er, that's about it. So yes. I is back methinks, hopefully for good. And hopefully I shall have something interesting to write about. XD
Friday, 4 March 2011
Here She Is, Doggy Style Anytime!
That is of course a song taken from the first Scary Movie film. A song I unfortunately cannot stop singing for some reason. I think I may be back again as far as the blog writing thing is concerned. I have been ever so busy, and of course I have many tales of my prattish behaviour to tell you.
Sooooo last wednesday I finally got to go and see Black Swan, a film I have wanted to see since it came out (take a wild guess who I went with) and I was disgustingly disappointed by it.Are you meant to laugh the entire way through it? I thought not. My day was made though by Sammy, whom I used to work at the Hallmark with (She asked me why I left. I've left?!?) but she gave me the BEST news EVER! My 'boss', used in the loosest way possible, got the sack. Which is hilarious but also a shame, as I was gonna go and yell at him. Nevermind.
We watched the remake of I Spit On Your Grave. It was FANTASTIC! The original film was banned in several countries, but that one just made me laugh hysterically. Come Thursday Jade and I stocked up on booze for our night in drinking session and I headed of to uni wearing my smartest trousers. I had a job induction at 6, leaving me an hour after uni to walk about 3 1/2 miles. I did it. During the induction we were all chatting and I mentioned that when the induction ended I had about 20 minutes to get back to the bus station, which was about 2 miles away. "Shame, I'm going in the opposite direction, I'd have taken you with me" It was lovely, therefore, watching her driving past me as I stampeded down the road. Bitch. A bus (which I was told was not running) also drove past me. I swear the fucking thing was waving at me. T_T
Do you know what I did? I ran 2 miles in 15 minutes. I think I need a bloody medal, seeing as I was previously a lazy git. Ugh. Following a HILARIOUS night of drinking and playing boardgames (Balderdash. OMFG so funny. And I'm amazing at it) I loitred around until night, after being fed mashed potatoes and cabbage, making me basically orgasm and my Aunt dropped me back home. I headed to Abi's on the idea of just having a few drinks. I got absolutely slaughtered and ended up heading to Blue Note with them. I was so hammered I don't really remember what happened that night, but all I know is that I was sick as soon as we got to the nightclub (I made myself sick in the loo in order to not do it on people's shoes once we got inside) and walked home ALONE at 2 in the morning in the pouring rain. One failed mugging and heartfelt chat with Lissi later and I crashed out.
I was woken by Timmy, my brother, at half 11 and my head exploded. He was in town so I met him for lunch and a mooooovie - Paul, which was funny as fuck but because I hate Seth Rogan I didn't actually like Paul himself. I also bought myself The Life Of Birds on DVD as I have now lost over 1stone wooo! Timmy came back and we prepared for the flat party Lissi and I had arranged the night before. Nice. While most people went out towards the end, I had a small gathering in my room and we watched my favourite youtube videos. I Sit On You and Queen of Vagina are now circulating through my course set. Lol.
uni was its usual stuffs, lolling at everything tbh. Come Wednesday I went to see West is West, which is a fantastic sequal to East is East. I'd highly recommend watching both of them. I will of course be doing movie reviews of all the new films I've seen recently. Which is alot, as we watched Piranhas 3D when we got in - I haven't laughed that hard at a 'horror' film since Jaws 3D. Just hysterical. One delish chinese later and I felt like a fat fuck again ahaha.
But yes - I'm back and I will be writing more often again. Also check out popcorn and pisstakes for my take on the newest cinema hits :)
Sooooo last wednesday I finally got to go and see Black Swan, a film I have wanted to see since it came out (take a wild guess who I went with) and I was disgustingly disappointed by it.Are you meant to laugh the entire way through it? I thought not. My day was made though by Sammy, whom I used to work at the Hallmark with (She asked me why I left. I've left?!?) but she gave me the BEST news EVER! My 'boss', used in the loosest way possible, got the sack. Which is hilarious but also a shame, as I was gonna go and yell at him. Nevermind.
We watched the remake of I Spit On Your Grave. It was FANTASTIC! The original film was banned in several countries, but that one just made me laugh hysterically. Come Thursday Jade and I stocked up on booze for our night in drinking session and I headed of to uni wearing my smartest trousers. I had a job induction at 6, leaving me an hour after uni to walk about 3 1/2 miles. I did it. During the induction we were all chatting and I mentioned that when the induction ended I had about 20 minutes to get back to the bus station, which was about 2 miles away. "Shame, I'm going in the opposite direction, I'd have taken you with me" It was lovely, therefore, watching her driving past me as I stampeded down the road. Bitch. A bus (which I was told was not running) also drove past me. I swear the fucking thing was waving at me. T_T
Do you know what I did? I ran 2 miles in 15 minutes. I think I need a bloody medal, seeing as I was previously a lazy git. Ugh. Following a HILARIOUS night of drinking and playing boardgames (Balderdash. OMFG so funny. And I'm amazing at it) I loitred around until night, after being fed mashed potatoes and cabbage, making me basically orgasm and my Aunt dropped me back home. I headed to Abi's on the idea of just having a few drinks. I got absolutely slaughtered and ended up heading to Blue Note with them. I was so hammered I don't really remember what happened that night, but all I know is that I was sick as soon as we got to the nightclub (I made myself sick in the loo in order to not do it on people's shoes once we got inside) and walked home ALONE at 2 in the morning in the pouring rain. One failed mugging and heartfelt chat with Lissi later and I crashed out.
I was woken by Timmy, my brother, at half 11 and my head exploded. He was in town so I met him for lunch and a mooooovie - Paul, which was funny as fuck but because I hate Seth Rogan I didn't actually like Paul himself. I also bought myself The Life Of Birds on DVD as I have now lost over 1stone wooo! Timmy came back and we prepared for the flat party Lissi and I had arranged the night before. Nice. While most people went out towards the end, I had a small gathering in my room and we watched my favourite youtube videos. I Sit On You and Queen of Vagina are now circulating through my course set. Lol.
uni was its usual stuffs, lolling at everything tbh. Come Wednesday I went to see West is West, which is a fantastic sequal to East is East. I'd highly recommend watching both of them. I will of course be doing movie reviews of all the new films I've seen recently. Which is alot, as we watched Piranhas 3D when we got in - I haven't laughed that hard at a 'horror' film since Jaws 3D. Just hysterical. One delish chinese later and I felt like a fat fuck again ahaha.
But yes - I'm back and I will be writing more often again. Also check out popcorn and pisstakes for my take on the newest cinema hits :)
Tuesday, 7 December 2010
I Hate You, Kenny. .V.
That I do. I start with a word of advice - if you are walking down a road, no hang on, ICE RINK, and you slip on your arse, look at your audience before you scream every swear word under the sun. "You C**ting fucking ICE!" Will not go down well with the mother and the horde of small children she is herding on the opposite side of the road. You will be able to hear her gasps of horror over the sound of your headphones sreaming out moooosic. ¬¬
I have had to make a hellish time table to be able to get all this sodding work done this week. A timetable I am currently not following. Oh naffing HELL Leah! Get your arse in gear! I have literally only allocated time for work and going to Uni. Nothing else is allowed. No blog writing. Woops. This is all writing effort that could be put towards an essay. Get off of this, Leah. Silly bitch. Speaking of which, I spoke to Fagface today and was quite pleasant and she back. I thought I would be all zen and try and get on with everyone. This is not true of course, it is simply because there is a trip in January and we get put in to groups. For 2 days. I know for a fact I will be put with her. Soooo might start making it less hideous right now...
Skyping my mum and G whilst they were in bed was.... interesting. Thank god they didnt answer with video! This is the last time I start talking first! Emergency 'meeting' about car taxation (Verdict: shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit I forgot about that, sorry Leah! O________O) implant scare (Verdict: G said this would happen! But it's fine, Mum! WHY PRACTICE A SPEECH THEN!!!!!?!?!?! Oh, ok then) and The Big Head (Verdict: Bitch. I knew about the condition of Iris, my mum's aunt, a week before she did.) I also decided to pay G back for fixing my car through use of sexual favours. The 'cap' of £300 got thrown out of the water. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKML.
Soooo I have no money, and no motivation. On the plus, I have The South Park Movie soundtrack! Oh wait, it DOESN'T FUCKING WORK! Ughhhhhh And I have work tomorrow morning. Fuck off please, JLB Credit style...
I have had to make a hellish time table to be able to get all this sodding work done this week. A timetable I am currently not following. Oh naffing HELL Leah! Get your arse in gear! I have literally only allocated time for work and going to Uni. Nothing else is allowed. No blog writing. Woops. This is all writing effort that could be put towards an essay. Get off of this, Leah. Silly bitch. Speaking of which, I spoke to Fagface today and was quite pleasant and she back. I thought I would be all zen and try and get on with everyone. This is not true of course, it is simply because there is a trip in January and we get put in to groups. For 2 days. I know for a fact I will be put with her. Soooo might start making it less hideous right now...
Skyping my mum and G whilst they were in bed was.... interesting. Thank god they didnt answer with video! This is the last time I start talking first! Emergency 'meeting' about car taxation (Verdict: shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit I forgot about that, sorry Leah! O________O) implant scare (Verdict: G said this would happen! But it's fine, Mum! WHY PRACTICE A SPEECH THEN!!!!!?!?!?! Oh, ok then) and The Big Head (Verdict: Bitch. I knew about the condition of Iris, my mum's aunt, a week before she did.) I also decided to pay G back for fixing my car through use of sexual favours. The 'cap' of £300 got thrown out of the water. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKML.
Soooo I have no money, and no motivation. On the plus, I have The South Park Movie soundtrack! Oh wait, it DOESN'T FUCKING WORK! Ughhhhhh And I have work tomorrow morning. Fuck off please, JLB Credit style...
Tuesday, 30 November 2010
All Night Long ;)
Yeah, this is dedicated to my Mr. My Mr who has not shaved in a while (yummmmmm!!!!) My Mr Who left this morning. :( Aha! The lack of blogging now makes more sense! But wait, there's more. Hang on to your seats, babies, cause this one's a screamer! And quite literally - I did a lot of screaming come Saturday morning (Adam arrived Sunday night, so shut up) no no no, oh ye of dirty minds, Friday was the night of our flat party. Before hand Amy and I took time out from the lots of essay writing (pfft) to make vodka jelly, and Lissi and I wandered to Sainsburys. I purchased a trifle and mince pies. Fat fuck, I think you'll agree. I just REALLY wanted some trifle! But anyways, It was a rather good night tbh - lots of people turned up and towards the end of the night we were all chillaxing in my room watching moooovies and that. Katie was a bit worse for wear, and proved this by sticking her tongue down my throat (Um. GET OFF?!?) followed by Mike's. She then hauled up in my bathroom and attacked the toliet with her vomit, which made me panic hugely and almost break down. No vomit please, Kthanksbye!
So, what was the cause of the saturday morning screaming? Abi told me she had £20 taken from her purse, so I panicked and did a sweep of my room - laptop, DS, Blackberry, Printer, Passport, old 'new' pho- BOLLOCKS! Someone has come in to my home, and searched for something to take. I know this because the phone was partially hidden. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! I was planning on selling the damn thing for food moneys! That's fine though, I really don't need food moneys. Ugh. I was with Lissi in the kitchen before heading to Hell, sorry, work and decided what to eat - trifle. I made her lol ^^
It's lovely working with Maria and Lee, you have a really good shift,even if you all have to wear Santa hats that make you look like an arse and you have to serve toffs from a big company that have no concept of any kind of human language... Drink champers at the end, finishing at half 11. And then being told you're working the breakfast shift tomorrow. Oh. My. God. And it is snowy and hideous outside. Gee, thanks a bunch. Bastard. When he arrived the next morning (late, and sporting a black eye) he yelled at us loads (for what? Getting the buffet ready 20 minutes early?) and buggered off to his office to do fuck all to help out, leaving me as the Hostess (with the mostest, of course. And with a massive hole in my top, exposing a lovely bright green bra.) This must be why I got a £15 tip. A £15 tip that I split with the other 2 without telling Chris. Why should he get some? All he did was wander in to the room once, make a joke about my chest attracting customers, and bugger off again.
Did some workings stuffs before booting Adam towards the direction of a train so he could get here. I had several hours to wait before I had to pic him up, so I skyped David again. As I have mentioned, I enjoy skyping David. Although he kept buggering off, because he's useless. Honestly, I walk all the way to the train station at half 10, in the dark and snow, to meet Adam off the train, only for him to scare me shitless by walking up behind me when I got there. ¬¬ But yesssss, everything was fabbity fab, lounging around come Monday (By that I mean Adam would NOT GET UP! It took bribes of food and stuff ;) to get him to move) I then had to go to work. Bugger. Leaving the poor git stuck in my room for 6 hours and not able to go and smoke.
I asked if ~I could leave work early (spouting some elaborate lie, obviously) And he FINALLY let me go at almost 11. He sent one of the other girls home at 9. WTF?!?! I was the most senior waitress on the shift, meaning I'd been there longest. Oh sweet Jesus, but I am very good at my job, even conversing with some German men, who were ever so surprised when I started chatting away in German with them. RAN through the streets, which was made easier by a group of about 20 men nipping at my heels most of the time. FUCK FUCKING OFF! Burst through my door complaining about the freezing cold, and watched Adam wake with a start and practically fall off the bed. He then got in to his Mard-mobile for a bit and wouldn't talk to me - he DID nick the rest of my biscuits and some cranberry juice while I was gone. UNIMPRESSED :P :P
He eventually buggered off at 11, much to my dismay :( it's really weird in here now without him - he only stayed over 2 nights! Scuttled to uni as fast as we could in the snow that was falling equally fast. Bit miffed about uni - this was the reason Adam had to leave so early. Slept through Dave's lecture despite DVD on hostage negotiation (nothing happened - the hostage and hostage taker both lived. Boring as hell!) and loitred for 2 hours for Sam's lecture, which was cancelled. I could have left at 2 in that case. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- ahem, be a lady Leah. Please try at least once. Walking back from uni was bloody fun though - snow ball fights with Amy, Alex and Sallie, who all have fantastic aim, whereas I am shit at it.
Went to Sainsburys to buy an advent calender, and then staggered back to the flat to be met by Hayley and Laura who dragged me back in to the snow again. And Sainsburys actually. Haha. Dragged outside again for snowball fights with Liss, Vetty, Seb and Shelley ^^
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This will be edited soon - I should be asleep. I have work in 3 hours. Woops!
I left that party early in order to go to bed for a breakfast shift I wasn't actually working. So I would have gone to work for bugger all reason. Oohhhh, would NOT Have been impressed!
So, what was the cause of the saturday morning screaming? Abi told me she had £20 taken from her purse, so I panicked and did a sweep of my room - laptop, DS, Blackberry, Printer, Passport, old 'new' pho- BOLLOCKS! Someone has come in to my home, and searched for something to take. I know this because the phone was partially hidden. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! I was planning on selling the damn thing for food moneys! That's fine though, I really don't need food moneys. Ugh. I was with Lissi in the kitchen before heading to Hell, sorry, work and decided what to eat - trifle. I made her lol ^^
It's lovely working with Maria and Lee, you have a really good shift,even if you all have to wear Santa hats that make you look like an arse and you have to serve toffs from a big company that have no concept of any kind of human language... Drink champers at the end, finishing at half 11. And then being told you're working the breakfast shift tomorrow. Oh. My. God. And it is snowy and hideous outside. Gee, thanks a bunch. Bastard. When he arrived the next morning (late, and sporting a black eye) he yelled at us loads (for what? Getting the buffet ready 20 minutes early?) and buggered off to his office to do fuck all to help out, leaving me as the Hostess (with the mostest, of course. And with a massive hole in my top, exposing a lovely bright green bra.) This must be why I got a £15 tip. A £15 tip that I split with the other 2 without telling Chris. Why should he get some? All he did was wander in to the room once, make a joke about my chest attracting customers, and bugger off again.
Did some workings stuffs before booting Adam towards the direction of a train so he could get here. I had several hours to wait before I had to pic him up, so I skyped David again. As I have mentioned, I enjoy skyping David. Although he kept buggering off, because he's useless. Honestly, I walk all the way to the train station at half 10, in the dark and snow, to meet Adam off the train, only for him to scare me shitless by walking up behind me when I got there. ¬¬ But yesssss, everything was fabbity fab, lounging around come Monday (By that I mean Adam would NOT GET UP! It took bribes of food and stuff ;) to get him to move) I then had to go to work. Bugger. Leaving the poor git stuck in my room for 6 hours and not able to go and smoke.
I asked if ~I could leave work early (spouting some elaborate lie, obviously) And he FINALLY let me go at almost 11. He sent one of the other girls home at 9. WTF?!?! I was the most senior waitress on the shift, meaning I'd been there longest. Oh sweet Jesus, but I am very good at my job, even conversing with some German men, who were ever so surprised when I started chatting away in German with them. RAN through the streets, which was made easier by a group of about 20 men nipping at my heels most of the time. FUCK FUCKING OFF! Burst through my door complaining about the freezing cold, and watched Adam wake with a start and practically fall off the bed. He then got in to his Mard-mobile for a bit and wouldn't talk to me - he DID nick the rest of my biscuits and some cranberry juice while I was gone. UNIMPRESSED :P :P
He eventually buggered off at 11, much to my dismay :( it's really weird in here now without him - he only stayed over 2 nights! Scuttled to uni as fast as we could in the snow that was falling equally fast. Bit miffed about uni - this was the reason Adam had to leave so early. Slept through Dave's lecture despite DVD on hostage negotiation (nothing happened - the hostage and hostage taker both lived. Boring as hell!) and loitred for 2 hours for Sam's lecture, which was cancelled. I could have left at 2 in that case. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- ahem, be a lady Leah. Please try at least once. Walking back from uni was bloody fun though - snow ball fights with Amy, Alex and Sallie, who all have fantastic aim, whereas I am shit at it.
Went to Sainsburys to buy an advent calender, and then staggered back to the flat to be met by Hayley and Laura who dragged me back in to the snow again. And Sainsburys actually. Haha. Dragged outside again for snowball fights with Liss, Vetty, Seb and Shelley ^^
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This will be edited soon - I should be asleep. I have work in 3 hours. Woops!
I left that party early in order to go to bed for a breakfast shift I wasn't actually working. So I would have gone to work for bugger all reason. Oohhhh, would NOT Have been impressed!
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