Toaster in the Bath? Naaah fanks XD

Wehell, it has been a while, hasn't it mon petite pallies? Where have I been? That, I am going to explain. As I sit here in my too big for me size 10 SHORTS (with my ever so white legs on display. White legs that are fantastically toned and lovely, of course.) I am debating whether to go in to the details. Well, I might as well?

So - just as I was about to begin my daily writings again, I had somewhat of a nervous breakdown. My laptop broke, i had a massive falling out with most of my friends back home, my relationship was destroyed, I had 2 deadlines fast approaching and I literally ran out of money, overdraft and all. This all happened in the space of ummmmmm 3 days and saw me retreating back in to the arms of my mother faster than she could say 'I told you so'. As you can imagine, these events kinda fucked me over and made me even consider sitting in the bath with a toaster in my lap or dragging a straight razor over my wrists. But no more!

Everything is back to its good ol' self (well, of sorts. More on that story later ;)) my friendies are wonderful, my laptop is on the road to recovery (I have learned to live without it, something which I thought I would never be able to do) my bank account is back in the positive for the first time in months. The relationship thing? When you find out that your long distance boyfriend has been fucking one of the girls at work you kinda don't give a shit about whether you are with him anymore or not. Shagging random blokes your best mate introduces you too is also a good way of getting over things. Ever meet someone for the first time and just click? Well, that happened. Amy actually tooks bets on how long it would take for us to end up in bed together. ~following a hideous amount of booze it took about 4 hours. In all honesty, I don't remember much of it.

My weight loss has been amazing - as I wrote earlier, I hit my target of reaching a size 10 on the bottom (previously a size 12-14) and a size 14/16 on top (previously size 18-20) and have gone a bit further, in a bit of a bad way i.e. I can't be arsed to eat :S not so good,but I'm not doing it on purpose! When Charlie found me spralled on the staff room floor following a stint of not eating for about 3 days my mother hit the roof. My meals are now monitored. FFS. I also had to be driven home by my darling ex boyfriend that night, an occassion that really hurt my throat (and not in a 'corrr, that took ages that time!' way, I mean in a 'shouty bitch' kind of a way)

But life is amazing - I've finished my first year of uni, which was a blast I have to say. It's a shame I got with Adam and was with himfor most of the time during my first year, as it's only in the last few weeks I feel that I have become a proper student i.e. LOTSSSSSSSSSSSS of alcohol and sex. As everyone at work says, that is me to a T.

Yes, maybe that is me. Boozy and sexy ;) but I'm a student, I'm 19 and I've now got 4 months to do it all at home. Bring it on - I'm smaller, sexier and more confident. Corrrrr, this is going to be an EPIC summer!!! XD

Moving On Up (Again)

Ok - so, I went home, had an absolutely wonderful weekend with my man (he made me a lemon cheesecake. Holy Hell, was it ever good!) and was lovely til I had to leave again. I was feeling positive. We found a house eventually, which made me even more positive.

I then discovered I had no money and no means to make money. I have never fallen that low before. I cried in the bank. To the manager. Ugh.

Buhuuuuut things are moving on up again ^^ I had a job interview at Pride Park football stadium on tuesday, and while at the cinema with Jade and co I got an email telling me I got the job :) Still looking for more work though ahaha.

My Mr is gonna come and visit soon, and my room and clothes are tidy and fresh. 've lost about 10lbs and am firming up nicely. Yeah. Things are good.

Over Haulin' My Ass Off.

That I am. Soon to follow will be picatoors of meine neues hair colour, as well as my new hair cut, complete with its fringey goodness. Yes, I have a fringe again. I haven't had a fringe since I cut all my hair off (well, bobbed it) in year 9, so it has been a while.

Also, have purchased a fitness DVD and will be joining the gym. "But why?!" I hear the masses cry! Well, It is because I is a wobbly fat fuck teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeebh. Did some of the good ol' fitness DVD earlier and spent most of my time on the floor trying to catch my breath. No, it wasn't a particularly difficult work out, it was due to the fact that the man leadin the routine was actually the campest man on the planet. My mum was rolling on the floor with me (Holy fuck that sounded better in my head). Laughing, that is. Oh please.

It is a good thing I am doing all this too - I sat down on the sofa in the den earlier and broke part of the wooden frame O_O. Sweet Jesus, I've actually broken a piece of furniture with my arse. The prospect of using running equipment is horrifying as running is sooooo painful for me. Care to guess? I'll give you a hint (or, the answer in other words) - my boobs. All 38GG of them. There is no sports bra big enough. FML.

I now have a grand total of 5 Blue nose animals. I am addicted. They are so FUCKING CUTE! Adam says I can be sweet when I want to be - give me a kitten or a puppy or something, and I actually act like my sex for once. It's true.

Aaaand to end yet another 'Fuck, it's 2 in the morning and I start work at 9 shit shit shit!' shitty post, a story:

A while back, Jadey and I went through a phase of loving Diddy Dick and Dom (you know, who live in the cupboard. They've lived there all their lives and never been discovered? Oh, forget it.) The best moment? Dick screaming "It's CLEANSING MILK!". This caused us to say it constantly. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAanyways. I was sat in the doctor's waiting room the other day, happily not watching the TV as it is CBBC and I is mature and that :P I was occasionally tutting and rolling my eyes to show my maturity. That is, until Diddy Dick and Dom came on. I turned to watch it. The first episode? CLEANSING MILK! There was so much noise in the waiting room caused my myself roaring with laughter, that I could actually feel the atmosphere in the room shift ever so slightly when I was thankfully called for my appointment a mere minute later. And everyone else lived happily ever after, whereas I looked like a twat.

:)

I Come From Ethiopia.

I don't really, but goddamn I'm eating loads lately. I am Starvin' Marvin, and I found an actual Shake Weight today. I am living in South Park.

I ran screaming from the house in nothing but a towel on wednesday, taking the time to grab my handbag and car keys. Why is this? Well, when you are showering and you are home alone, and you watch the bathroom door unlock and open by itself, it can be a little un nerving. Just a little. To cheer myself up I bought myself a new Ipod Nano. It's sexy as sexy can be - just like its owner ;)

Erm. I have purrrrrple hair now. I fancied a change, and I haven't had purple hair since I was 12, the first time I dyed my hair actually. Yeah. The first colour I chose was purple. Brave move.

And so, I'm feeling generous - if you are one of the first 5 people to comment on this rather pathetic 'post' if you can call it that, I will make or get you something nice and that, and do some sending stuffs for you. In short - comments will be rewarded with gifts. Have I reached new lows to get comments? Nah - I'm a nice person ^__________________^

Here Comes Ali Babarrr and his FUCKING CAMEL!

I am now 19. Isn't that awesome? I now feel I can enjoy being legally allowed to buy alcohol and the like without thinking myself to be 'new meat' or have only just got my foot in the door. Nope, now I have shut the door behind me. I know that one day the day will come when I will be so far away from the door, I won't have left the house for weeks (probably due to the horror-filled thoughts associated with people seeing my withered old face.) I digress. I originally wrote 'digest'. Why have I been eating LOADS lately? No, I am not pregnant. Even if the implant somehow cocked itself up and left me unprotected, my panic attack when the never-ending period actually stopped that caused me to leave the house immediately and purchase 3 different pregnancy tests has proved beyond a doubt that I am not with child. I'm bloody broody though, for fucks sake. I keep dreaming about having this beautiful little girl, called Evie. Oh she is lovely. But no, Leah! 19! University student! No babies for you yet! And I usually fucking hate kids (notice the careful choice of word order there :P)

Turning 19 wasn't fun until I had completed my chuffing exam on the 10th, the day before. This mleft me having to drive all the way back to Derby sunday night. Brilliant. After work. Even better. My complaints were immediately halted when I ended my shift and Adam eventually finished his - he'd swapped his shift on monday so he could come with me! ^^ Thank fuck he did, as a diversion caused me to get hopelessly lost and travelling away from Derby. Bollocks. Had he not been there, I had visions of myself on monday morning, out of petrol by the side of some never-ending road, ringing uni to tell them to shove there test where the sun doesn't shine. It took us 4 FUCKING HOURS to do a hour and a half trip. I still can't bend my right leg properly yet.

The exam itself went as well as it could have done for someone who did jack shit in terms of frevision. Everyone's cries of "Leah! You look really different!" startled me a bit - I haven't worn makeup in weeks due to ongoing eye issues due to Adam's sodding cats and my huge allergies to them. That is why I looked different. T_T But yeah, after bothering Jade and Gracey for a bit (And entering the Ducking Hardcore Mix. I also brought the man around, as promised lmao) we set off home. In Newark my "Jesus, I'll have to pull over soon, I can feel my eyelids going" was totally justified when I smashed in to the curb. ¬_¬

I like lillies. Adam got me a bunch of them for me buffdee. And a massive owl cuddley toy, whom I have named Derek, as well as several of the CUTEST little 'Blue Nose' animals. We went to the seaside for the day. It was completely empty, as everyone else was sensible and didn't go to the seaside in the middle of Januray. When it's raining. Prat-head that I am "Ooooft! I wanna go SEASIDEEEE!!!!" for god's sake - took shelter in the arcades and won a loads of stuffs on the 2p machines. Put £3 in, won £9 back. I'm good ^_^

Buffet and indoor fireworks back homeeeee - video footage to follow. Naturally I have a glass of wine in my hand in every shot. Mini sparklers caused us all to panic and for me to drop it on my foot O_O and G actually burned a hole in his top with the big finale firework. LMAO!

You hear horror stories of parents entering the room during sex don't you? I have no chances of that happening, which is brill. However, the sound of G letting the dogs out will make me laugh no end, and it gets even better when your Grandmother rings during. My attempt to make her stop talking about her bowels failed - "I have to go, my boyfriend is over and I er-" "OH DEAR! OHHHHHHHHHH DEARRRRRRRRRRR I am SORREHHHH *talks about bowels some more*" Shut it bitch.

Adam talks in his sleep. Without fail, every night. My favourite conversation is as follows:

Adam: Leah?
Leah: Yes, sweets?
Adam: I don't like that man.
Leah: What man?
Adam: The man on tv!
Leah: ... We're not watching tv
Adam: Oh, go FUCK yourself then!

Later that night he randomly screamed at the top of his lungs, shoved me to one side, laughed, then muttered something about a dog. I... er....

I dunno. I'm all over the shop. It's late, I'm tired, but I daren't go through the living room again. Meep!

Ahaha, Woops...

Yeah.
I missed the normality of a 'OH Em GEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT was Christmas and now it's over and going to be a whole new year and that!' - type post, basically outlining that I stuffed my fat face for a few days then got insanely drunk and lost at a New Years Eve party. Or something similar. It's me. Jesus. (Notice that it is a full stop and not a comma. No, I have not just admitted I am the Son Of God. This is because God does not exist, so how could I be his son? Also, my lack of penis would prove the son part to be extremely difficult.)

But no, there has been good reasonings for no regular postings as of late. I know that as soon as I go back to uni (in 3 weeks), the posts will return to being daily occurances. But, for now, as I sit in a darkened room in my blatantly haunted house, possibly with a ghosty peeking over my shoulder (which I hate. Fuck off and read something else!), I shall take the time to explain and reflect on what I have been up to lately, and through the year as a whole.

I intended to post on Christmas Day, and even started writing it. I then got so drunk (so much so that I fell down the stairs. ¬_¬~) and started enjoying watching my Jackass DVDs too much, so the blog post got abandoned. The Jackass thing? Mazi got me the boxset for Crimby. My family had the choice of watching several family suitable movies, like Toy Story 3, for example. What do we choose? Jackass. That is my household. Ah well. Since then I have basically been living at Adam's, only taking breaks to go to work under the control of a vicious COCKHEAD who's more Bi-polar than the North and South Poles (Geddit?! Oh, naff off then.) I'm 'Princess Leia' one minute - Leia, not Leah, so this doesn't work, and then 'silly bitch' or something similar the next. Fuck you, with your cheesy OTT "OHHHHHHHHHHHH! Your own Hans Solo is in the kitcheeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnn!!" ("Let me just go and yell at him for fuck all reason, sending him in to a horrific bad mood that I will then blame on you and make you cry and want to stab me in the eye repeatedly with a particalarly sharp chip.")

KFC is back in my life, Oh glee, and is full of new workers who won't talk to me. At all. Fuck you. I was there first - people know and like me. They are mostly foreign, and have NO MANNERS! One of them is so rude and arrogant it is unreal. She's the kind of person that makes me want to purposely wrap my car around a tree to avoid having to interact with them. I greeted her with a 'hello' one morning, I recieved a sneer and a 'hmph!' headtoss kinda thing in return. She didn't hear my "I do hope I get the opportunity to slam your head in to a wall today! :)" Well, either that or she didn't understand me.

I spent new years at Adam's, and will have some lovely video footage to share with you soon. We had intended on spending the night in. After getting pissed by 6 pm (I as drinking wine and cider, and hadn't eaten in about 3 days. Have mercy with your slatings) we arsed around for what seemed like days until 9 or so and wandered down to a party in the village. At one point me and Adam walked in to one of the big tent things (I have no idea what they are called tbh. Begins with 'M' methinks. Anyway) *ahem* and I found a woo woo fountain and a tube of pringles, so I stayed there for a bit. God, have just realised that joy of pringle tube makes me sound similar to that thing from Big Brother one year. Yuck. Adam wandered off somewhere, but then when I came out of the house I was grabbed by one of his friends telling me he was frantic and had been looking everywhere for me for the past hour. I thought I'd been in there 10 minutes. I am fail.

Welcoming in the New Year with the man I love was a lot better than last year, although screaming Aude Lang Syne (Or however the fuck it's spelt) in the living room with my mum was rather entertaining, but making a promise to that special someone is so much better <3 I'd like to think I've come a long way in the past year - I've turned 18, left school, joined university, moved miles away from home and started living alone. I've passed my driving test, held down 3 jobs (2 at once), successfully purchased and funded a car, got several tattoos and new piercings, met celebrities, drunk endless amounts of alcohol, seen so many new films, read so many new books and listened to so much more music. Most importantly, I have managed to find someone able to love me, and I have been able to love them back. :)

Don't get me wrong, there have also been low points - personal crisises concerning my personal health, both mental and physical, separation issues and possible divorces, insane amounts of debts and money worries, police incidents, assaults, depression, stress, bitchiness... I could continue, but that would be depressing. So I will leave you on a high (of sorts.)

I turn 19 in a week, so please don't judge me too strongly when I say that, as soon as this blog post is finished and posted, I will be sprinting through the living room out in to the garden and in to my room to avoid our lovely haunter, who has taken to violently rattling the door to what was once my room and the kitchen doors. This both scares and intrigues me. Part of me wants something to happen, but I know for a fact that if it does happen, I will quite possibly shit my pants, scream loud enough to wake up Long Sutton, which is 7 miles away, and trample all 3 of my dogs to death in my efforts to return to the little girl I once was, frightened by the sounds the house makes after dark and running to jump in her mummy's bed.

Wish me luck - hopefully I will have something oh-so special for you next time ;)


P.S. "Fuck me." "Suck me." Makes me LOL rather a lot. Kinda a mood killer, though.

All Night Long ;)

Yeah, this is dedicated to my Mr. My Mr who has not shaved in a while (yummmmmm!!!!) My Mr Who left this morning. :( Aha! The lack of blogging now makes more sense! But wait, there's more. Hang on to your seats, babies, cause this one's a screamer! And quite literally - I did a lot of screaming come Saturday morning (Adam arrived Sunday night, so shut up) no no no, oh ye of dirty minds, Friday was the night of our flat party. Before hand Amy and I took time out from the lots of essay writing (pfft) to make vodka jelly, and Lissi and I wandered to Sainsburys. I purchased a trifle and mince pies. Fat fuck, I think you'll agree. I just REALLY wanted some trifle! But anyways, It was a rather good night tbh - lots of people turned up and towards the end of the night we were all chillaxing in my room watching moooovies and that. Katie was a bit worse for wear, and proved this by sticking her tongue down my throat (Um. GET OFF?!?) followed by Mike's. She then hauled up in my bathroom and attacked the toliet with her vomit, which made me panic hugely and almost break down. No vomit please, Kthanksbye!

So, what was the cause of the saturday morning screaming? Abi told me she had £20 taken from her purse, so I panicked and did a sweep of my room - laptop, DS, Blackberry, Printer, Passport, old 'new' pho- BOLLOCKS! Someone has come in to my home, and searched for something to take. I know this because the phone was partially hidden. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! I was planning on selling the damn thing for food moneys! That's fine though, I really don't need food moneys. Ugh. I was with Lissi in the kitchen before heading to Hell, sorry, work and decided what to eat - trifle. I made her lol ^^

It's lovely working with Maria and Lee, you have a really good shift,even if you all have to wear Santa hats that make you look like an arse and you have to serve toffs from a big company that have no concept of any kind of human language... Drink champers at the end, finishing at half 11. And then being told you're working the breakfast shift tomorrow. Oh. My. God. And it is snowy and hideous outside. Gee, thanks a bunch. Bastard. When he arrived the next morning (late, and sporting a black eye) he yelled at us loads (for what? Getting the buffet ready 20 minutes early?) and buggered off to his office to do fuck all to help out, leaving me as the Hostess (with the mostest, of course. And with a massive hole in my top, exposing a lovely bright green bra.) This must be why I got a £15 tip. A £15 tip that I split with the other 2 without telling Chris. Why should he get some? All he did was wander in to the room once, make a joke about my chest attracting customers, and bugger off again.

Did some workings stuffs before booting Adam towards the direction of a train so he could get here. I had several hours to wait before I had to pic him up, so I skyped David again. As I have mentioned, I enjoy skyping David. Although he kept buggering off, because he's useless. Honestly, I walk all the way to the train station at half 10, in the dark and snow, to meet Adam off the train, only for him to scare me shitless by walking up behind me when I got there. ¬¬ But yesssss, everything was fabbity fab, lounging around come Monday (By that I mean Adam would NOT GET UP! It took bribes of food and stuff ;) to get him to move) I then had to go to work. Bugger. Leaving the poor git stuck in my room for 6 hours and not able to go and smoke.

I asked if ~I could leave work early (spouting some elaborate lie, obviously) And he FINALLY let me go at almost 11. He sent one of the other girls home at 9. WTF?!?! I was the most senior waitress on the shift, meaning I'd been there longest. Oh sweet Jesus, but I am very good at my job, even conversing with some German men, who were ever so surprised when I started chatting away in German with them. RAN through the streets, which was made easier by a group of about 20 men nipping at my heels most of the time. FUCK FUCKING OFF! Burst through my door complaining about the freezing cold, and watched Adam wake with a start and practically fall off the bed. He then got in to his Mard-mobile for a bit and wouldn't talk to me - he DID nick the rest of my biscuits and some cranberry juice while I was gone. UNIMPRESSED :P :P

He eventually buggered off at 11, much to my dismay :( it's really weird in here now without him - he only stayed over 2 nights! Scuttled to uni as fast as we could in the snow that was falling equally fast. Bit miffed about uni - this was the reason Adam had to leave so early. Slept through Dave's lecture despite DVD on hostage negotiation (nothing happened - the hostage and hostage taker both lived. Boring as hell!) and loitred for 2 hours for Sam's lecture, which was cancelled. I could have left at 2 in that case. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- ahem, be a lady Leah. Please try at least once. Walking back from uni was bloody fun though - snow ball fights with Amy, Alex and Sallie, who all have fantastic aim, whereas I am shit at it.

Went to Sainsburys to buy an advent calender, and then staggered back to the flat to be met by Hayley and Laura who dragged me back in to the snow again. And Sainsburys actually. Haha. Dragged outside again for snowball fights with Liss, Vetty, Seb and Shelley ^^

--------------------
This will be edited soon - I should be asleep. I have work in 3 hours. Woops!


I left that party early in order to go to bed for a breakfast shift I wasn't actually working. So I would have gone to work for bugger all reason. Oohhhh, would NOT Have been impressed!

Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat?

I believe I've ever said this before in my life. Not for a lack of wanting to look nice in a dress, but due to the fact that the number of times I've worn a dress can be counted on one hand. I would like to get a nice dress that is fitted under the bust but not on the legs. I.e. a dress that actually shows people that I have a shape. A shape that women for years used to wear corsets in order to achieve. An hourglass - that is a rarity and is very much sort after. I hope that little moment of love I felt for myself that I felt the other day didn't make me UBER bigheaded, as opposed to the bigheaded I normally am. I'm her direct decendant, remember? The Big Head is my Grandmother. This dress also needs to not show off the size of my thighs. We can forget that they exist.

Every Tuesday morning sees us all scared to come out of our rooms due to the cleaning lady being in. She herself isn't scary, personally I think it's the sense of shame I will feel being shown that I am dirty (and not dirty in a good way ;) ) Pfft I dunno, but I do know that we only emerged once we were sure she had buggered off - FB Chatting with Lissi while we hid of course. I felt nervous as we wandered up to uni, as I was due to be getting the implant. This was the least of my worries. I forgot had to pick up my essay. Ooooer missus. I passed though, so all is good. I'm not gonna lie and say I ACED the essay, but a pass is a pass. This pass of mine is also an incentive for me to pull my finger out. Leave it.

Buggering off during Dave's lecture sent those that didn't know what I was doing in to a slight panic - I left during Dave's speech about paedophiles seeing nothing wrong with raping a child as there is no law specifically forbidding it. It looked like I'd gone "Ugh,your lecture disgusts me! I am LEAVING!" Earning me evils from Fagface. Oh, go fuck yourself. Dog. I was doing some evils of my own when I got in to the doctor's waiting room. Having done some wrecthing through fear on the way down and having to splash water on my face (Keep your needles KEEP YOUR NEEDLES) I was told that I couldn't have the implant done today. This means I have to go all the way to uni tomorrow purely to put myself through stress and pain. Arses.

Loitred in the Librus for a bit to wait for Amy so she didn't die on the way home. Hayley rang to check I was ok which was lovely of her ^_^ though I sounded slightly rude while I was talking to her. My phone had loudly screamed my ringtone and drawn attention to me so I was already embarassed so I was trying extra hard not to do a great big booming voice. Therefore I didn't sound like myself at all. I stopped at Sainsburys for essentials. These were Volvic fruit water, Milk, Butter and 4 cartons of Cranberry juice. Mmmmmm... imagine the meals I can make with all that! Cranberry juice is my new nom treat. And it's good for me. Wiiin.

Movies with Laura and Hayley, which was fun as always and it just got even better when Lissi came and joined us, bringing her orgasmic head massager. I wouldn't mind one of them! There was something theraputic about watching Mulan and absent-mindedly massaging Lissi's head as she sat between my legs. Don't start. I'd forgotten how funny Mulan was, although I was feeling a little glum as I am missing Adam again, who insantly cheered me up when I asked him to (No, you may not guess how. It's me and my boyfriend. You should KNOW how he cheered me up) And I know he reads this and don't think he would like EVERYONE to know. Speaking of him reading this - come see me sooooon :P

Am now watching Hercules. Finally getting my fix!! XD Although I do love it, I noticed a maaaaaaaajor error in it. There is a point where the Titans are heading to attack Mount Olympus but are going the wrong way, and the shot featured 4 of them. When they trned around there was the Cyclops stood there too. The cyclops who is not one of the elemental Titans anyway. In real life I hate fire and water, but the ice and wind titans make me shiver. This is a kids film for God's sake... I might grow up one day. Or not - as I was saying to Amy today, it would be boring if we grew up!